The Courage to Feel Not Great

Accepting myself for being "only" human - finally!

I grew up with the distinct impression that it was only okay for me to be okay. It was required that I, at all times, was steadily, ably, agreeably willing to do whatever was required of me. Be fine. Be happy. Be energetic. Be positive. Be “up” no matter what…

As  a result, I spent decades of my life acting “fine” (both internally and externally) whether that was the truth or not - because there was simply no alternative available to me. Because “moody” is unacceptable. Because nobody takes a “drama queen” seriously. Because it’s my “responsibility” to make things easier for everyone else (and how can I do that if I’m not on my game 24/7?).

This has been my internal dialogue through even significant life events…

Lost a young nephew and my grandma within 6 months when I was 10? Soldier on, young lady. Keep up your grades, don’t be a bother to your grieving family.

Devastated by a move across the country with my parents at 13? Suck it up. You’re young, you’ll make a new life and friends and adapt just fine.

Up most of the night arguing/fighting with (or being beaten by) my ex? Better be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at work the next morning. After all, your clients are counting on you.

Debilitating knee pain and subsequent double knee replacements? You can’t even miss a step; your able-bodiedness defines you. 

Worried shitless about my Sweetie’s cancer diagnosis? Keep strong and brave; he needs you to help him through this. You can be scared “later…”

It wasn’t just in response to the big, traumatic events, though - it’s become an intrinsic habit of simply always. being. okay. Gina gets no (and deserves no) slack. That’s just the way it is to be me.

Yep, it’s a real pattern that runs me; ingrained so deeply that I felt it was part of me… 

But was it me?  I don’t know what prompted me to ask, but ask one day I did. And when I considered the answer, something sparked within me.

That question was crucial because until I recognized that the pattern of always being okay is innately flawed, it did rule a huge part of my life. Once I saw it for what it was, however - a set of faulty assumptions I’d made at a young age and allowed to dictate my thoughts and behavior into my future - it began to loosen its grip on my psyche.

I began to think long and hard about how I rob myself of my authenticity by wearing the “I’m fine” mask. It was time to call myself on this lifelong habit, take it off and be seen - all of me.

My unmasking process looked like this:

Simply challenging the assumption that I must always be okay led to many questions…

Q: Why do I believe that I will bother, annoy or burden others if I’m not okay? 
A: Um, because it’s the only way I’ve ever thought of it.

Q: Is it true?
A: When I think it through, it is not necessarily true.

Q: If it’s not true, what is the truth?
A: The truth is tat no one can always be okay. It’s an unrealistic, unsustainable state. We have a variety of emotions and all are absolutely allowed to be regularly and appropriately expressed.

Q: Is it okay for others not to always be okay?
A: Of course - they’re only human.

Q: Why have I held myself to a different standard than I do others?
A: Because I don’t feel like I “deserve” the “luxury” of “indulging” in emotions that render me “human.” My self-expectation is that I am in some way expected to be “superhuman” and always keep that upper lip stiff, have my shit together and press onward, unfazed. (Because - and this was a shocking belief that came out upon reflection - that if I don’t make superhuman effort not to “offend” others, I will be unlikable by and unacceptable to them.

Q: Can I extend that grace to myself that I give others regarding “okay-ness?”
A: I will try, with the recognition that I am “allowed” to experience the whole spectrum of my emotions, moods and experiences - not just the ones that others won’t object to or be inconvenienced by. I deserve to take up space and show up in all situations authentically as all of myself.

To those of you in the know, you’ll note that I have “Byron Katie-d” myself into right-thinking here… (What a valuable tool her “The Work” has been for me!) It was surely a dose of reality and a realization that I don’t, indeed, need to be more than I am or give more than I can, at any given time.

What a load off!

Mere days after having this self-revelation, it happened… I said one Friday morning: “I’m not feeling it. Something inside me isn’t right and the effort to push through the slump isn’t worth it. This just isn’t the day. I’ll try again later.”

That day I discovered such peace at letting myself off the hook; for not being a machine, but a human being. No need to beat myself up, judge myself harshly or “prove” anything. In fact, what was proven to me is that I am human - and there’s no “only” about that. Loving the humanity in me is a new-to-me way of loving myself - and another way I can share myself and connect with others. What else am I here for?

The moral of the story is beautifully summed up here by author Tanya Markul: